Ep. 63 The Top 5 Mindset Mistakes Women Make In Midlife

Hey my friends, welcome to the podcast. I hope you are having an amazing week. I’m going to be really honest, I have felt a lot of Okay, well within myself, but I have had quite a bit of neck and shoulder and then that gets referred to being head pain. And I do have a history of reasonably frequent migraines, especially going through perimenopause and my mother had a lot of migraines and you know, you know how the pattern goes.

So I’ve sort of had this pre migraine vibe for the last few days, which has been. little bit shit if I’m honest. And I think what, why I’m referring to that is because it oh so reminded me when I was in the thick of perimenopause, I was getting a lot of headaches frequently. I was struggling,, quite a lot to manage my health.

Nothing really hugely significant was going on with my health, but my resilience was low and I was getting a lot of headaches, I wasn’t recovering well from work, I really did not feel like exercising and when I did exercise there was a lot of recovery afterwards. And having this little niggle this week, which by the way I got sorted out from my great mate nicola Douglas Acupuncture. I went for an acupuncture session with her this morning. And she did a lot of, what’s she calling it? Like traditional work in my body, and there was some bits that really hurt. Now I won’t say that she was laughing when I was shouting, a little bit shouting, and jumping around the table, but She didn’t seem too bothered by it, and nor was I to be honest. It really did the trick.

I went in there feeling, Okay, but just a bit stuck in my head and my neck and then I realized part way through that actually I was feeling quite energetically congested, quite tired and, and her work really opened things up for me. I often will take a rest after an acupuncture treatment.

And that really helps my body to reset. Anyway, long way of saying thank you. We do have ups and downs with our well being and absolutely in perimenopause but even postmenopausally which is where I’m at now. However, I really wanted to point to if you’re in that thick of the cluster of physical symptoms in perimenopause and it feels like there’s no relief or there’s very little relief temporary.

That this does change. Most of the symptoms that we experience in perimenopause will subside, will dissipate as we move through into postmenopause. How long that takes? Well, we’re all so very different, aren’t we? And I was really through perimenopause and early post menopause took a long time. It’s been about a 9 or 10 year journey for me.

So it wasn’t fast, but I do think in the last few years I’ve really started to feel good again. In part due to, of course, the Body Identical HRT that I take and the other work that I do. But also, naturally, as we get past the perimenopause and early postmenopause, we do start to feel better, for the most part, because things are settling down, your hormones aren’t all over the place.

So, a little bit of, you know, a little bit of hope, I think. coming your way and also on the days when you aren’t feeling great like I haven’t been for the last couple of days. Emotionally I felt pretty good but physically I just sort of haven’t been feeling the best.

Taking it easy for a few days is okay. You don’t need to push through. You can be kind. Comfort yourself, bring some self compassion into the mix and it is really helpful because this too passes. This too passes. All right, on to our episode for the day. I’ve got a one that I think is really important and

we’re gonna go through it quickly because these quick wins that we can gain when we create the change that I’m going to speak to. And, and I have just been talking about physical things that have been going on and, and how we can adapt our mindset to better support ourselves through that. Well, right now we’re going to change gears and we’re going to go into the top five mindset mistakes.

We often make in midlife and in brackets throughout our life but they become much more important to pay attention to in midlife. So here we go. Number one is that we might deny or resist change. So, our error in thinking or our mindset mistake is that we’re ignoring or resisting the natural changes that are happening during midlife perimenopause.

This actually does lead us to unnecessary stress and discomfort. Because anything we resist, imagine a stream, and you’re blocking that stream up with rocks. You’re building all the rocks up.

Well, the rocks are your resistance. What happens is that water builds up, and builds up, and builds up, and becomes bigger. It eventually breaks through. But this is what happens for us when we resist. There can be a backlog of emotion, of difficult thinking patterns, and that of course affects our physical vitality as well.

And it’s very natural and normal that we try And hang on to the stability of that time pre perimenopause, that time before the change when many of us had a bit of a sweet spot in terms of our physical well being and our mental well being. And then comes the ups and downs of perimenopause and we might also see that our body is changing.

That hormones are changing and we’re moving into that menopausal state. And when we, first of all, deny it and secondly, resist it, we’re working against our body. From going through Crohn’s disease as a young woman because it’s an illness where your immune system is not working properly, and so I was told your body is attacking itself. It’s causing a lot of inflammation, and all sorts of other terrible, terrible symptoms. I came to the point where I, I don’t believe that our body consciously tries to hurt us.

I really do not believe that at all, in the very fibers of my being. You know, I had a lived experience of that for a very long time, where my body was causing me a lot of pain and very, very difficult symptoms with no reasonable explanation. What I believe, is that your body will compensate, it will try to correct itself and It will act on messages that may be the acting on the messages are incorrect, but it will never deliberately try to hurt you.

Your body is trying to do its best. Now this is the same thing The same thing happens as we’re going through perimenopause. We have those physical symptoms of hot flushes, insomnia, deep in your bones fatigue. Your body is not trying to harm you or work against you. It’s actually trying really hard to navigate this natural change.

in your physical being, where your hormones are now on the decline, but they’re also going up and down as they go through that change. And so the faster we can get on board with the change, the faster we can work with our system to support it. Then we can come into, once again, this collaborative relationship with our body.

This is what’s going on, and this is how I can support you. So, that’s it. That first mistake, denying or resisting change. Change is happening, we’re not going to be able to stop it by resisting the change or in fact denying it and suppressing it. So the faster we can get on board, the faster our brain and body can adapt well around the change.

Because this next chapter that’s coming has the potential to be a really good one. In your life, through perimenopause and out the other side into menopause, you’re coming into a stage where you are going to be very empowered and have the capacity for some excellent vitality. So, mistake number two is isolating emotionally. So keeping emotional struggles to yourself instead of seeking support. So this leads to greater feelings of isolation and very often exacerbates mental health challenges. So, you know, I’ve been a counsellor for how, 20 something years, 23, 25 years, and My job as that counsellor is not to fix or even offer advice and It’s a simple thing a simple But very specialized thing to be present to someone to share what’s going on in their heart To help them find the truth inside of themselves Because when that is spoken and that is met by someone who can or can’t Really hold the space to reflect that back to you, without their own judgments, without piles of advice, without trying to fix you, that sharing of what is emotionally, psychologically really going on for you, can be enough to turn things around.

Healing happens in connection. You might not want to see a counsellor. You might not want to see a therapist, but this is where it’s important that you reach out to someone you trust. A friend, a colleague, is there someone at work you can speak to? Is there a family member? And you can preface your conversation by saying, hey, I want to sort of share and explore some things that are going on for me, but what I really don’t want back is, is advice.

Can we do that? Can it just be a listening space? I’ve actually found that to be really helpful because, you know, often people think when we share a problem, we’re looking for advice. Well, sometimes we might be, and that’s a different situation, but sometimes you just want to share what’s going on, be heard with an open heart, right, can make such a difference. And it’s very normal that when we’re feeling challenged emotionally, psychologically, mentally, that we do try and isolate to sort ourselves out. I can’t go out and spend time with my friends because I’m feeling really bad within myself. So I really want to fix that before I show up.

I don’t want to burden them with what’s going on for me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt burdened by somebody else’s problem, right? In the sharing of what’s going on for someone, in their sharing of their authentic truth. It is such a connecting, healing thing to be able to do. So don’t, please do not feel like you have to be perfect to have it all sorted, to spend time with people that you care about, and to actually let yourself be.

Radically honest with yourself and with others around you. This is what fosters really, really healthy relationships. And then mistake number three in terms of the mindset mistakes that we make as women is comparing ourselves to our youthful years, to that younger version of ourselves. Constantly comparing yourself to the energy and the appearance of the younger you.

All this does is fosters feelings of inadequacy and it also hinders self acceptance in the present moment. And that’s one of the One of the big pieces that I see shift in the Midlife Upgrade course is when we come in, there’s a looking backwards to the past, wishing I was like I was 10 years ago or however many years ago, and realizing that I’m not and really struggling because I want to get Back there, I have heard those words, I want to be that person I was five years ago, 10 years ago.

The great empowerment comes when we realize it’s actually okay that I’m never going to be that person anymore, because she has grown into me the person I am now. And whilst I might look back to the person I was when I was younger and think that that was better, the better we need to remember is through the lens that denigrates aging, that forgets women over the age of 45 that only celebrates youth that only. gives energy to women who look a certain way and are of a certain age.

So we are looking back through the lens of the patriarchy and valuing our younger selves more. But if we could strip away that lens and strip away all those beliefs about aging and beauty, all of those myths, what it means to be a woman, and we could really see ourselves With clarity, with that sort of God’s eye view of a human in their life.

You are an incredibly beautiful, vital, essential part of our human family. Exactly at the age that you are now, and you will be as well in five, ten years time, fifteen years time. So often when we’re looking back to our youthful years and wishing we were there, It is because we’re seen through the lens of aging beauty myths and myths around what it means to be a valuable woman, female.

If we strip that away, we can see ourselves, see other women our age. Through the eyes of life itself, whatever that means to you, from that, that God’s eye view, from that bird’s eye view, you’re seeing the beauty that is in that soul that is living their life to the best of their ability. And I get it. I get it.

It’s there’s also a balance of, you know, I wish I could go out dancing and not have sore knees the next day. That’s really normal to think that and to experience that, but if that’s all that we’re focusing on, then it makes it very, very difficult to be in this present moment and to celebrate the physicality you have right now and the wisdom you have right now from all of those lived experiences.

of the past that have brought you to this place.

And number five, which possibly should be number one, is when we engage in black and white, all or nothing thinking, which is a subset of perfectionism, which is a part of unrealistic expectations. So often we’ll have a rigid, Mindset where we can only feel okay about ourselves when we are in this sort of perfect state.

As I explained before, I’d had a little bit of challenge with my physical body this week. And I, I know that in the past. I would have come down hard on myself. I would have tried to really figure it out and fix it. I would have felt bad that I wasn’t being as productive as I had planned to be this week, that I was taking more rest.

I would have given myself a hard time, that my brain wasn’t maybe working as well in those moments where I felt the headache coming on. That would be me. Engaging, indulging, and perfectionist thinking. I’m only okay if everything in my house is orderly and the bench is clear and the floor is vacuumed for a very mundane example, but you know, maybe you can relate to that.

I can only slow down and really accept myself and take care of myself when I reach those monetary goals, when I reach those business goals, then I’ll be okay. The numbers aren’t there for me, so all consuming, I am looking at how to get the numbers up. That is our perfectionist brain. That is our all or nothing thinking.

So that’s really binary, right? So it’s either right or it’s wrong, it’s yes or it’s no.

And that it’s a very difficult mindset to live happily within. To find moments of joy. So what I like to visualize that I think is really helpful is that when we think of all or nothing thinking, we’ve got one point over here on the left, like the The big red button, and then we’ve got one point over here on the right, the big black button, and we’re either here on the left, on the red, or we’re there on the right, on the black.

Whatever, you know, right or wrong, whichever one, it doesn’t matter. But it’s like, our brain thinks there’s nothing in between. Well the truth is, it’s not like that. Life is not like that. We are on a spectrum. We think of your life as a continuum, as a river. I might be anywhere along there on a certain day.

I might be that far along to meeting my goals, but not quite there yet. And even if I don’t ever, ever get there, The growth is in me opening up and evolving and connecting with other people and learning about myself. That’s the win, that’s the success. So can I, even before I reach that yes state, that correct state, that right state, can I just drop that and wholeheartedly accept myself exactly as I am now, with my sometimes foggy menopausal brain?

With a body that looks different than it looked for even five years ago

With family members that may be struggling with finances that are far from perfect Can

I radically Authentically accept myself exactly as I am right now Exactly as I am right now

And let go of needing to be perfect before I can accept myself, before I can offer myself love, compassion, okay ness.

When we drop the all or nothing thinking, the perfectionism, we are given so much more access to our own personal empowerment. Because it’s all okay. It’s all okay even though it’s messy. Even though it’s not complete. And even though it’s not right. It’s still all okay. And even though it doesn’t always feel all good.

It’s still okay. Because that is what it means to be human.

I worked long and hard in therapy and meditation for a long time. To be able to let go of perfectionism. And I thought it would help. mean that I would become really lazy and just not care and just not do anything. But I think the opposite is true it’s kind of like my brain was thinking it would get a medal. Right, you get the gold star, you get the certificate from school saying Megan did really well and kept her house tidy for one week. She didn’t, by the way, she really didn’t, but that’s the external validation. When I could shift to internal validation and okayness and radical acceptance and stop seeking it externally, and most of this is done really subconsciously, right?

It’s just how we’ve been. been indoctrinated into being a good human. And so I thought if I drop that, the fear was if I dropped the perfectionism, the all or nothing thinking, I would become really lazy and just not care. Well, that’s actually not true at all. I’ve become more, more, Natural and more organic and more okay with things being messy, which has helped my resilience increase so much.

And we see it in our teenagers, right? They often will have all or nothing thinking. It’s right or it’s wrong. It’s on or it’s off. And they can’t tolerate the messy middle because that being able to tolerate, being able to tolerate that is what happens to our brains as we mature. as an adult, but we have that extra layer of societal conditioning and indoctrination into the external validation and perfectionism that we still unconsciously buy into as adults.

And I do think perimenopause, and it is called a second puberty because your hormones are going through a change, a different change, but they’re up and down just like they were when you were in puberty. We can utilize this time of change in our body, change in our hormones to really look at our mindset.

What is no longer working for me? What? Do I want to have change? What can I let go of? What do I want to grow?

That’s all from me today. I hope that has been really helpful and of course because we’re not doing perfectionist thinking anymore, if you notice yourself in any one of those five mindset mistakes that I just listed, that’s okay. That’s just a part of being human and now, you know Awareness is such a big piece that you can bring your conscious thinking to it and create change So much more easily.

Have an incredible week my friend and I will talk to you real soon